i dont really know where to begin, so here goes.  note to any reader, this is not supposed to be a "poor me" entry, this is just i have a lot of stuff going on inside, and i just need somewhere to let it all out. and i'm tired of complaining to ryan, he's just amazing, but it's not nice to complain to someone all the time.

i just feel so completely isolated right now, from the girls that i'm closest to. it's three to one, and im the odd one out, the one who is getting scewed over. and i know that's not what they meant to do. i know that they didn't maliciously conspire to exclude me.  i was just an afterthought, an "oh yeah, what are we gonna do about jess?"  which in itself is an indicator of the state of affairs. it seems like i want to do is spend time getting closer to them, and all they do is get closer to each other. not that i am blaming them for all of this. i know that it is my fault.  after all, i do spend time with ryan (and i love spending time with him) and i have to do school stuff, and the past weeks have been crazy. well, the past semester has been crazy. it hasn't gone the way that i planned at all.  but still, i just feel so far away from them. and when i am sitting there dying inside, realizing that there is a definite probability that i am going to lose them, they are joking and laughing. not that if i'm sad everyone should be sad. but it was just another illustration of the me and them phoenomenon that is occurring. i just hurt right now, a lot, not gonna lie. and i don't know what the solution is. maybe there isn't one, and this is just the way its going to be. the realist in me is stating that friends drift apart, and dynamics change, it happens.  but that doesn't make the happening any easier.  not that i am giving up on the friendships, i just...

Currently Watching Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (Widescreen Edition) By Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet see related

this week is so messed up, i cant believe it is already wednesday, and yet i'm surprised that it isnt friday yet. crazy, i know. and it's not like i have any great spring break plans. im honestly just looking forward to doing nothing, to not have to stress about classes and tests and family and all this other stuff. i want to spend time with my family, i want to spend time with my friends, and i want to spend time with God. and i want to work in the preschool! i so miss being with my kiddos : ) 

so i saw a crazy movie this week, actually ive seen it twice now. eternal sunshine of a spotless mind is amazing! absolutely incredible. the storyline is fresh and unique, the actors are superb (kate winslet is just perfect), and the cinematography is unbelievable.  it makes you think, and i really like that quality. its just good. my favorite quote of the whole movie:

this is it Joel, it's going to be gone soon

i know

so what do we do?

enjoy it.

have i mentioned how supported and loved i feel by the people around me? because i can't say how much i appreciate you, all the notes, all the hugs, all the prayers, i just love you guys, and want to say thank you again.

thank you guys soo much for your thoughts and prayers!! they were definitely appreciated this week.  the week itself went as well as you could expect. my dad was crazy stressed with planning everything, but it came off without a hitch.  he is still really sad, as we all are, but he has said repeatedly that God is in control, and that this didn't surprise Him, that this was part of His plan, so that is definitely encouraging.  ok, crazy cool thing: so my dad at the end of last semester was applying for this promotion, and it was a huge promotion.  (currently he works for Novartis Animal Health and he goes around to 3 vet schools in the midwest and works with student reps and does a lot of public speaking about their products, but he's not technically in sales) so this promotion would put him in charge of all of the people like him across the country, and his new boss would be the pres. or vice pres of the company. so huge. anyway, he didn't get the promotion, and we were all way disappointed since my dad is a really hard worker. well this week there is the first global meeting for the section of the compant that my dad works for, and its huge, and they put my dad in charge of several meetings, and speaking in front of the group. well, when this whole thing with my grandparents happened, he had to drop all work stuff to take care of that, and his company was reallllly understanding, let him take off the time that he needed, etc. and he said later "now i know why i didnt get the promotion, b/c if i had, i wouldve had to be at the meetings/preparing for the meetings" just another example of how God has everything under control, way cool!

so school stuff is kinda crazy right now, some teachers...one teacher...hasnt been as understanding as i would have hoped, and that is frustrating.  overall though, things are alright, and i am again, sooo thankful for all you guys, there is no way that i could have done this on my own : )

p.s. i love you!

*jessica